We’re all in this together, no?
It has been an interesting year in consideration of mental health and entrepreneurship. I’ve seen an increasing number of startups focused on mental health issues from substance abuse to depression, and venture capitalists have been notably conscientious about the toll that being a startup founder takes. MediaTech Ventures‘ friends at Work Well Win are committed to work space designed with wellness in mind (“wellworking”) and heck, I’m in my forties so whether it’s a midlife crisis or some wisdom (I think) in appreciating what *success* means, something frequently on my mind is how we take care of ourselves enough so that we can better serve others. Just the other day, one of my favorite locally owned publishers, The American Genius, featured Kiri Isaac’s editorial, 4 things to remember when things look bad for you as an entrepreneur…. #1: Build a support system.
And then a question was brought to my attention that struck me as distinctly important, “As an entrepreneur do you ever struggle to make new friends and keep them? How did you get past this?”
Entrepreneurship is inherently isolating.
Friends matter. But as entrepreneurs, friendship can be particularly difficult to juggle.
Do you ever struggle to make new friends and keep them? How did you get past this?
Absolutely. Entrepreneur is actually a personality trait, not a job description. The answer start and ends with appreciating that.
As an adrenaline junkie do you ever struggle to make new friends and keep them?
As an introvert do you ever struggle to make friends and keep them?
Notice the correlation and how the word entrepreneur isn’t as interchangeable with “business owner” or “CEO.”
Entrepreneur was coined by Jean Baptise-Say as the person who constantly sees gaps in a market, and moves resources to address them; in the process, creating new market and opportunities.
A startup founder might be entrepreneurial. They might not be. An CEO might be entrepreneurial, and introverted, and an adrenaline junkie… or they might not be.
Couple good examples of the difference…
Elon Musk, entrepreneur. The CEO of Ford, not so much.
Nicola Tesla, incredible inventor and modest entrepreneur at best. Thomas Edison, not the inventor of so much, as is often taught… but brilliant entrepreneur.
Making and keeping friends starts and ends with knowing yourself and knowing what friendship means to you.
That does NOT mean finding people exactly the same, does it? An introvert can absolutely be friends with an extrovert. I have friends who are sports fanatics and could barely tell you that the World Series just took place (I think).
But you have to know yourself in order to align with people in whom you can enjoy one another’s company.
Being entrepreneurial tends to mean one is always consuming news about innovations and poking holes in ideas and businesses. That is the very basis of being entrepreneurial – seeing gaps and addressing them.
Some people love to do that and be around others who do. Some people get bored by innovation just as I get bored talking football. Some people struggle with this entrepreneur who constantly critiques (with good intentions mind you) other ventures. But that’s what entrepreneurs do.
Having been at this for 20 years, the bit of wisdom I have reminds me that odds are most of us will be endeavoring on something different in a few years. We keep at it together, as entrepreneurs, through the ups and downs, and the frequent changes in our profession.
Find your tribe. Here’s to your health… and to our friendship.
Really appreciate your time on this answer Paul, thank you so much
Mental health is your biggest enemy through the start up stage and especially through the customer discovery stages again #startuplife #mentalstrength
So it’s not just me…?
Great post seobrien! I love the way you think and view the world. Carry on!
Love this, Paul. Cheers to finding your “happy place” and surrounding yourself with friends who celebrate, challenge, and criticize you. Well-rounded friendships are the first steps to long-lasting friendships.
Great topic to discuss, Paul. In my experience, I’ve found that entrepreneurship has unlocked social skills that make it easier to make a connection with people. Unfortunately, they seem to be superfluous connections, without emotional value (friendship) but with possible partnership value (strategic).
As for connecting with others outside of entrepreneurship, the hardest part for me has been that most of them share a similar schedule, a 9 to 5 during the week and free during the weekends that more often than not, clashes with my deadlines.
I think something to keep in mind in this discussion is the different nature of stages and areas a startup can be in. Someone in a growth stage in fintech probably has different use of their time than an early foodtech one.
I’ll be honest, I am sad that I now view minutes put into socializing as minutes I could’ve put into my early-stage startup. All on the bet that it’ll offset in the future by having a well-oiled machine running and freeing up way more time that I would have had in a 9 to 5.
Wonderful observations! I think (I suspect) this is why entrepreneurship really needs to be thought of as more a personality trait than a job.
I don’t think entrepreneurs have any illusion about ever be comfortable with the 9 to 5, even if that venture becomes well oiled. Business owners might… build this, make money, maybe sell it… but entrepreneurs have it in their nature to always be optimizing (if you will). The personality is such that the person will always be on to the next possibility.
Thus we might merely recognize or define friendships differently. Where some find their passion in Cosplay at ComicCon, others play golf together, and still more might be friends because of their kids, we find friendship in being entrepreneurs, as people, not jobs.
I’ve said it before, but Imma keep saying it because truth:
This is why coworking. Good coworking. Unpretentious, genuinely friendly, non-competitive, coworking.
I know, for me personally, I don’t schedule time to just go hang out. With pretty much anyone. And with new friendship formation, it takes 30-40 hours of time shared before it begins to solidify.
So it makes sense to spend time at an office where there are other people on the same wavelength and in the same boat. I don’t become close friends with all of them, no one does — but when I see people at work every day who make me happy to see them, friendships do grow. And because we observe each other’s busy-ness and business, we can spontaneously take a 20 minute lunch break because neither of us has to travel to get to lunch. Just walk to the kitchen. It’s literally 20 minutes with a friend, not 30 minutes to get there, and hour to justify the trouble it took to arrange it, and 30 minutes to get back. Or we can spot an impromptu 5 minute “Hey how are you?” window to chat. Or a little brainstorming session, because one person needs a break from what they’re working on for a minute, and someone else needs a fresh perspective. You know?
The scheduling and carving out time to focus on *just* socializing is, I think, extra challenging for entrepreneurs who are in love with analyzing problems and solutions and ideas and opportunities. But when it’s right there and easily accessible without having to devote brainpower to making it happen, because you chose a to be regularly in a context where that happens… friendships grow.
can my tribe be cats? <3 jk – very thoughtful, very accurate, and it's about time we COLLECTIVELY share the negatives so we can survive *together* 😀
There is only one way out of the cave, and for startup founders/CEOs, that is generally going to be with one or two people on your team. I found networking and co-working generally shallow and altogether unfulfilling. Yes there is common struggle and difficulty, but at the end of the day you are back home fighting your way out of the cave with one or two people on your team if you are lucky.
And yes, friendships deteriorate if you don’t have free time/money to nurture those friendships. I think we have all been there.
Great & fresh topic, Paul.
having a life partner helps a LOT
Life partner = cofounder seems to be a recurring recipe for success.
Paul O’Brien, I always appreciate how you share your thoughts and knowledge. What a great article. Thank you for writing it. It helps to know others are in the same “boat.” I’m grateful that I met you this year and for how you help others in the startup community 😀
I don’t struggle even remotely to make them, an entrepreneur is a salesperson at the end of the day, so you should be making lots of friends. Keeping them? Yes, that’s a problem, simply because so many people come into my life so fast that I have trouble focusing enough time to cultivate real friendships. That being said, my friends from before I was an entrepreneur are still my friends now, and their support was instrumental in getting my company off the ground.
Paul O’Brien I find I don’t like stability, I am good at networking but my friends tend to be strung around world. Socializing and talk ideas are the same thing. I am really an observer here but there’s something attractive about a group of people who are driven perhaps by madness to create something new and of irresistible value in the world. I believe your real friends are always your real friends! Think of the Fellowship of the Ring! A friendship is forged between very different races who all have one common goal: to defeat Mordor. We are all on this quest both professional and personal, lose people along the way, gain them back, win some, lose some, there will be times when you are having a particularly challenging time and think of one person who might shed some light like Yoda or something…. SInce I have been in this group and participating I have met some cool people digitally. I am doing an interview with an entertainment lawyer I met through here – they are also a musician. There’s already things in common and we have mutual connections in Austin – and I don’t even live there!
No way that entrepreneurship is doable without like-minded, STRONG and REAL friendships. Those are able to be built (especially in Austin) if you are willing to do “the work” and show up. Go to events. Introduce yourself. Ask for help. State that you want like-minded friends. That’s what I did. I moved there knowing not a soul. You were one of the first people to completely embrace me. And I’ll never forget it and try to pay it forward.
The word entrepreneur is overused to the point I’m not sure what it means anymore. It’s claimed by everyone from Micheal Bloomberg to those just starting out. What entrepreneurs should aim to do however, is create change. Change is threatening to people and can affect friendships. I’d rather be a leader of a venerable company that I didn’t start as an effective change-maker, than the leader of a company which I did found yet not able to enact the changes I desire. Does that make me not an entrepreneur? Perhaps. I don’t like the world really anyway. An agent of change?
Great advice
Definitely a good idea to have a hobby outside of your industry and to try to make friends there!
Hard topic when your mind runs at 100 miles per hour and processes things differently than others. My internal dialog and coaching from today – your too acidic. Of course your going to rub people off, get gritty and earthy. SLOW DOWN. Like, as in, make it a practice in your life.
Still trying to process, but it makes sense to me. I always wrestle with my excitement and anxiety for ….excitement. 🙂
And the definition of friends is a safe place, not a fake place. A private space where we can all be vulnerable and often irrational, but heard and loved. So, real friendship has to be well beyond this dialog.
I love this Paul O’Brien. Thank you for bringing your voice to us.
Bradley Hinson I find it a bit difficult to believe you are really “making friends” but not keeping them. I bet you do associate with many people as part of doing business and networking but doesn’t really count as making meaningful friendships does it? Not cultivating real friends that aren’t from your past just seemed to contradict the first statement you made since I feel that being a salesperson doesn’t equate to being a friend. All the best with your endeavors.
true story, I got home last night and couldn’t sleep and the question of why I do what I do, my life purpose was nagging at me. What gives meaning to my life is the friends i have. What defines those friends is shared time, experience, values… I can stare at a screen all day but when I go out and knock back some beers with an old friend, discuss new ideas, music, life, everything big and small… well that EXPERIENCE is where I can feel most alive…. a fiend of mine who is a psychologist and programmer told me back in the 90s he thought technology was separating people and causing isolation. I can see that in some ways. We have digital solutions to remove the human from the equation – I can self-check out at Kroger and not be burdened with some old lady ringing me up; but I really like that exchange (as an introvert who can avoid conversations for weeks on end)… there will be a point in human history where we merge with machines and at that time friends are really going to be crucial. And they still are to me.
I’ve got 30 other entrepreneurs that office together. We’re a big family. We love working next to each other, traveling together, eating together. All my friends are crypto friends.
So nice thanks for sharing.